Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
