literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
