We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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