why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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