i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
