I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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