just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
