Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Girls should come with a carfax report
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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