the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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