Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
