3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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