i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
