Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
we should paint friendship bongs
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
