do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
