im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
