Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
