false alarm. still invincible.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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