Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
