I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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