worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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