There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
