Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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