omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
