Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
