My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
