im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
