there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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