defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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