My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
