Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
