just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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