remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
