she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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