I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
