Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
