I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
