Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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