Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
