I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
