I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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