So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
3pm strippers are depressing
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
