She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
