I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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