I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
