You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
