Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
