In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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