I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i will never coherently bang her
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
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Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize