i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
