it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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