It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
