We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
